


Putting the Lad in Lady

by Squiglium



Category: Original Work, The Bachelorette (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dating, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Multi, Original Character(s), Reality TV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 06:10:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19101289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squiglium/pseuds/Squiglium
Summary: This is a fanfic structured like The Bachelorette! All characters except for Chris Harrison are original and made for this work. This is also my first fanfiction I've ever written, so I'm sure I have a long way to go as a writer! It's mostly written to be humorous and lighthearted. I'm going to go through and do the usual 10 episodes of a full season of The Bachelorette, so more chapters will be released as time goes on.





	Putting the Lad in Lady

****[Setting: The Bachelor mansion. It is 8 o’clock on the 25th of April. It is a Monday. The stars and moon are out and bright. Our bachelorette, Rebecca Acceber, awaits near the door wearing a short sequins dress.]

(Our host, Chris “Daddy” Harrison , approaches.)  
  
Chris: Hey Rebecca. We couldn’t have chosen a more beautiful night for you to start this journey. Are you ready to meet your men?  
  
(Rebecca’s face lights up. Ever since she was a young girl, she dreamt of the day a proper prince would sweep her off her feet and they could live a perfect boring life together with their two kids, Melinda and Spoons.)

Rebecca: Yes, Daddy!

Chris: It is time for the procession of men to begin! Here they come now!

 

(The gate to the mansion opens. A limo pulls up the drive and stops across from Rebecca. The first man exits the limo sporting a flannel suit, a pine tree shaped tie, and an axe. He confidently approaches Rebecca and shakes her hand.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Johnathan Nahtanhoj  
Occupation: Lumberjack  
Age: 34

Johnathan: Hi Rebecca. When I saw you were the bachelorette, I knew you were just the one for me. Every day I wake up and I chop my morning wood for the daily fire, but I hope at the end of this we can chop my morning wood together.

(Rebecca is visibly uncomfortable.)

Rebecca: So nice to meet you. I’ll see you inside.

(Johnathan Rebecca hug and the awkwardness is palpable. He goes inside and waits as the rest of the men to arrive.)

 

(A second man exits the limo. He is wearing a boring suit and has a boring face. He approaches Rebecca walking like a man who has known the direction of his life since he picked his first coin off the ground.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Patrick Kcirtap  
Occupation: Lawyer  
Age: 45

Patrick: Oh my sweet Rebecca. I’ve waited patiently for my opportunity to woo a fine girl like yourself. You’re like a technicality in that you’re the only thing that can get me off.

(Rebecca begins to wonder if being the bachelorette was a mistake. Two awful men right in a row. How can she make clear to him that he has no chance?)

Rebecca: Wow, you look just like my brother! I’ll meet you inside.  
  
(Patrick looks disappointed. He harrumphs and goes inside the mansion to ponder his words and think about all his past mistakes.)

 

(A third man exits the limo. He is wearing the same suit as Patrick but he wears it twice as well. His glasses sparkle in the moonlight. He’s looking sharp. He walks over to Rebecca like he’s choreographed every step.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Dootimer Remitood  
Occupation: Cheesemonger  
Age: 28

Dootimer: Rebecca, I hope you're not lactose intolerant and that this opening isn’t too cheesy, because it’s brie you’ve been looking for. The more time you spend with me the more you’ll make my heart melt.

(Rebecca, who is lactose intolerant, starts to get a stomach ache. But her discomfort is overcome by how cultured Dootimer is.)

Rebecca: I can tell you are no munster. It’s grate to meet you.

(Rebecca and Dootimer embrace and the aroma of Camembert fills the air, making the film crew nauseous. Dootimer heads inside the mansion.)

 

(A fourth bachelor steps out of the limo wearing a police uniform. He walks over to Rebecca while looking at the film crew like he might arrest them.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Deputy Ytuped  
Occupation: Policeman  
Age: 42

Deputy: Rebecca, I have arrested many thieves, and I might have to arrest you because you’re the one who has stolen my heart.

(Rebecca swoons. She’s always fantasized about being with a man in uniform.)

Rebecca: Maybe by the end of this you can practice putting your handcuffs on me.

(Rebecca winks. She quickly hugs Deputy and he scurries inside to mingle with the other men.)

 

(The camera pans to the gate. The limo is gone but a man on a horse approaches. He’s garbed in usual cowboy attire except that the aiguillette for his bolo tie is a cute frog wearing a cowboy hat. He dismounts and draws his gun. He fires from the hip and a flag comes out of the barrel that says “I’ve been hopping to meet you!”)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Ranidae Eadinar  
Occupation: Frog Cowboy  
Age: 25

Ranidae: Howdy Rebecca. I haven’t been with many gills as pretty as you, and please frogive me for toading the line, but you’re froggin’ beautiful. I want you to know that I am 100% ready to Kermit to you and only you.

(Rebecca is stunned into silence. “How can this man be so perfect?” she wonders. Finally she stammers.)

Rebecca: Y… You will not be frogotten. You can hop in my pond any time.

(Ranidae reaches into his pocket and gently pulls out a small toad. He kisses its head and hands it to Rebecca before heading inside. She will cherish this small “toadken” of love forever.)

 

(The limo is back and the sixth contestant emerges. He’s carrying so many limes. The limes are overflowing out of his arms. He drops them and scrambles to pick them back up but keeps dropping them over and over. Rebecca is visibly annoyed after this goes on for a few minutes.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Chadlium Muildahc  
Occupation: Clumsy  
Age: 32

Chadlium: I’m so sorry, Rebecca. I’m just... really bad at pick-up limes.

(Rebecca giggles and starts to help Chadlium pick up his limes.)

Rebecca: Hopefully we have some greener times ahead of us.

(Rebecca and Chadlium try to hug but they drop the limes again. They decide it’s just not worth it and an intern can clean it up for them and Chadlium heads inside.)

 

(Our seventh eligible bachelor exits the limo. He is dressed like a cheap magician; cape and all. He awkwardly approaches Rebecca.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Malachi Ichalam  
Occupation: Fraudster  
Age: 21

Malachi: Rebecca I need you to be my beautiful assistant. Just hold my hand and I’ll wave my wand around you and PRESTO! In just one easy season I’ll make my virginity… DISAPPEAR!

(Rebecca hates this and the concept of virginity, but she gives him a pity laugh.)

Rebecca: Yeah… We’ll certainly see about that.

(Malachi gestures triumphantly and gives her a high-five before running inside, making sure his cape billows in the wind behind him. Rebecca sighs.)

 

(The limo has disappeared again and instead there is a large garbage can. Suddenly it bursts open, throwing garbage everywhere. The eighth man stands inside it, towering triumphantly over the mess he has created and someone else will surely have to clean up. He tries to get out but the garbage can falls over, making an even bigger mess. After struggling, he gets up and walks over to Rebecca.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Daniel Leinad  
Occupation: Trash collector  
Age: 28

Daniel: I can tell I’m going to love you because I love garbage.

(Rebecca is stunned. She stands there with her mouth agape like the dead fish hanging out of Daniel’s shirt pocket. Then she starts to laugh. She laughs so hard she cries. This was the stupidest display of affection she’d ever seen.)

Rebecca: You know, my last boyfriend called me trash when I broke up with him. Maybe you can shower and call me trash some more to help forget about him.

(Daniel tries to hug Rebecca but she refuses because of his stench. He heads into the mansion but the producers direct him to the backyard where they spray him down with a hose.)

 

(A hearse approaches. The bells toll midnight. A shriek cuts through the night. A group of pallbearers remove a coffin from the hearse and set it before Rebecca. Fog begins pulsing out of the coffin before it opens mysteriously on its own. A pale man rises from within dressed in period Victorian clothing. He presents himself before Rebecca like a king before his royal court.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Vladimir Rimidalv  
Occupation: Vampire  
Age: 173

Vladimir: Rebecca, I know I can be a bit intimidating, but hopefully this can be… love at first bite.

(You can see the hearts light up behind Rebecca’s eyes. Her vampire kink is showing bright and bold.)

Rebecca: Maybe some time later we can… take turns sucking each other off.

(Even bloodless Vladimir blushes at the sound of that. He nervously laughs and kisses Rebecca’s hand before joining the others in the mansion.)

 

(The limo returns with the promise of more beautiful and eligible bachelors; a promise it has already broken. A man comes out holding flowers and a Hallmark card to make up for his lack of personality. He walks over to Rebecca, oozing testosterone.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Hamilton Notlimah  
Occupation: Man  
Age: 34

Hamilton: Rebecca, please be gentle with me. I know I can come off as a tough guy, but the only thing more fragile than my masculinity is my heart.

(Rebecca, an avid collector of blown glass sex toys, has always had a thing for the delicate.)

Rebecca: I’ll handle your heart with more care than a postal worker. I’ll catch up with you more inside.

(Rebecca and Hamilton hug briefly and she sends him on his way, making sure to take a glance at his sweet ass.)

(“Make a wish” 11 exits the limo. He’s wearing a chef hat and apron. He’s absolutely a mess of flour.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Foxicus Sucixof  
Occupation: Baker  
Age: 35

Foxicus: Rebecca, unlike eggs, you don’t need to beat me to get me hard.

(Rebecca, who has plenty of experience with hard things, is not impressed.)

Rebecca: Well, hopefully I won’t get you hard at all. I’ll see you inside.

(Foxicus is disappointed that his line didn’t set. He doesn’t even try to hug Rebecca before heading inside.)

 

(Number 12 comes out of the limo. He’s wearing a beekeeper outfit.  He saunters over to Rebecca without a care in the world.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Stephen Nehpets  
Occupation: Beekeeper  
Age: 29

Stephen: Rebecca, you make my heart buzz more than my pacemaker.

(Stephen gives rebecca a dandelion he picked from the grass earlier. Rebecca smiles bright.)

Rebecca: Amazing. I think I’ve found my honey.

(Rebecca and Stephen hug as well as you can hug someone in a beekeeper outfit and he heads inside.)

 

(Lucky 13 bumps his head getting out of the limo. He rubs it while walking over to Rebecca.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Nicholas Salohcin  
Occupation: Dumb but Loveable  
Age: 30

Nicholas: Hi Rebecca. My name is Nicholas but my friends call me Dummy Nick because the clap of my low test scores made me fail high school. Luckily, I don’t need a high school diploma to see how beautiful you are.

(Rebecca grins. Like her cat’s fluffy tummy, she’s always had a soft spot for the foolish.)

Rebecca: Well I don’t need my English degree to see that you’re a big sweetheart. It’s nice to meet you.

(Rebecca and Nicholas hug like they mean it and Nicholas heads inside.)

 

(A man in a backwards cap that reads “Women want me, Fish want me” rides in on a skateboard with his right foot forward, jumping up and grinding on the limo. A group of feminine voices shout, “He’s so cool!” from a distance. He skates up to Rebecca and kicks his board up.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Samson Ahtnamas  
Occupation: Sk8er Boi  
Age: 24

Samson: Bro, when I found out you’re the bachelorette, I flipped. I promise to you that I’m just as goofy as I board when it comes to love.

(Samson shoots finger guns at Rebecca. She fakes fainting.)

Rebecca: Hopefully you can grind on me even better than you grinded on that limo.

Samson: Bro… that’s tight.

(Samson and Rebecca fistbump and he heads inside.)

 

(Number 15 removes himself from the limo. He's wearing an expensive designer suit and a watch covered in diamonds. He walks over to Rebecca looking annoyed that he she’s unimpressed by his wealth.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Nethanoil Lionahten  
Occupation: Money (?)  
Age: 54

Nethanoil: Rebecca, choose me and you’ll see just how great life can be when you elevate your life from peasant status to nobility.

(Rebecca sighs. That intro was so boring to her. She has no interest at all. She finds Nethanoil ugly, both in physical appearance and personality, but she can probably use him for gifts.)

Rebecca: Wow, I already have doubts, but I’ll see you inside.

(Rebecca steps aside to let Nethanoil pass by without a hug. She can smell his expensive, nauseating cologne as he walks past her. She thinks to herself that it is an even more obnoxious odour than Daniel’s garbage.)

 

(Sweet 16 heads out of the limo. He’s a renaissance man. The only thing more glittery than his beard is his blouse.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Dickenson Nosnekcid  
Occupation: Unknown  
Age: 26

Dickenson: Good morrow, my fair maiden. Dost mine eyes deceives me? Ist this apple betwixt my fingers for mine to pluck? Thine puss shines twice as bright weren’t it not less befumed as some othering men of the evening. Your cumuperance exudes a favourable aura.

(Rebecca is not sure if that introduction made any sense, but Dickenson spoke it with such confidence and swagger that it must. Perhaps he is the next Shakespeare in the making and future writers will only hope to emulate his speech. Perhaps he is a bumbling idiot who understands even less of what he said than Rebecca. Really, it’s a coinflip.)

Rebecca: You flatter me, I think. Nice (?) to meet you. I look forward to hearing you speak more.

(Dickenson bows and flourishes before heading into the mansion.)

 

(The dancing queen, 17, steps out of the limo. He’s clothed in an emerald green shirt with little ghosts on it. He glides over to Rebecca.)

[Titlecard]Name: Smaragdine Enidgarams  
Occupation: Ghost Hunter  
Age: 27

Smaragdine: Rebecca, you’re more breathtaking than any paranormal phenomenon I’ve ever experienced. Maybe sometime we could go ghost hunting and I could show you my green ectoplasm.

(Rebecca has always had a fantasy to sleep with a ghost. Maybe this could be the next best thing, or he could introduce her to a nice ghost she can seduce.)

Rebecca; I’m getting chills just thinking about it. It’s nice to meet you.

(Rebecca and Smaragdine hug and Rebecca almost senses that Smaragdine isn’t completely solid. She disregards the thought and continues on with the night while he heads inside.)

 

(The next man comes up the drive, hands in his hoodie pocket and heelying the entire way. He has a bracelet on his left wrist that is black leather and has his name embroidered on it. His nails are painted lilac. His Heelys light up the colours of love. He has handsome cat ears and a well-brushed tail. He stops in front of Rebecca. His eyes twinkle in the moonlight in much the same way he is a twink.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Mittens Snettim  
Occupation: Catboi  
Age: 23

Mittens: Like, meow, or whatever. I know I may come off as standoffish at first, but that’s just in my nature. I guess, maybe if we get close enough, I’ll even let you scratch my ears.

(Rebecca likes him already. She’s always had a fantasy of putting catnip on her coochie so her catboi boyfriend goes down on her.)

Rebecca: I’m really feline a connection with you. It’s great to meet you.

(Mittens looks away nervously and smiles. He hugs Rebecca gently and heads inside the mansion.)

 

(The second to last man exits the limo. He’s dressed in business casual. He walks up to Rebecca and a beat drops.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Dakota Atokad  
Occupation: 3rd Rate Rapper  
Age: 29

Dakota (rapping offbeat):  
Rebecca, I may not be talented  
With rhyming or flow,  
But maybe by the end of this,  
I can figure out a way to rhyme  
You and I with marriage.

(Rebecca sighs. Her first love has always been jazz, the mortal enemy of rap. But she’ll set aside their differences to try and get to know Dakota.)

Rebecca: Don’t worry Dakota, we can work on your rhyming together. I even have an English degree, I basically invented rhyming.

(Dakota smiles. Maybe this would give him the drive to actually work on his rapping instead of pretending he can to make up for lack of charisma. He hugs Rebecca for an uncomfortably long time before going inside.)

 

(Our final man of the evening leaves the limo. He’s dressed up in a sasquatch costume. It is in pristine condition, like he spends the majority of his time caring for it. He walks up to Rebecca and the scent of sweet aspen fills the air around them.)

[Titlecard]  
Name: Spooner Renoops  
Occupation: Bigfoot  
Age: Ageless

Spooner: Rebecca, I know I may seem hard to find, and there’s lots of people chasing after me, but I promise that in a life with me, I’ll be the only hairy situation.

(Rebecca grins. She’s always been self conscious of her body hair, but she knows that Spooner would never judge her for it.)

Rebecca: Well I can already tell you’re not abominable. It’s great to meet you.

(Rebecca and Spooner embrace and she makes sure to inhale deeply for one last sniff of pine before he goes inside.)

(Chris Harrison approached Rebecca)

Chris: Rebecca, now you’ve met all of your men. What do you think?

Rebecca: Well, Daddy, I think this group of guys has a lot of potential. I can see myself meshing well with multiple guys here and I’m very excited about that.

Chris: We have so much more of our night to enjoy. Go ahead inside and start chatting with the men.

 

* * *

 

[Setting: Inside the mansion. All the men are seated on couches holding flutes of champagne.]

(Rebecca enters, also holding champagne, and stands before them.)

Rebecca: Thank you everyone so much for coming tonight. I’m so excited! My heart is leaping out of my chest. So many of you are super hot; let’s hope your looks aren’t ruined by your personalities. So why don’t we raise our glasses and toast to a wonderful night and a wonderful season.

Everyone: Cheers!

(Dakota approaches Rebecca)

Dakota: Hey, do you mind if I steal you away for a second?

Rebecca: Not at all! How about we head outside.

 

[Setting: Outside the mansion. Dakota and Rebecca are sitting on a bench in the garden.]

Rebecca: So, I usually like to ask this question as I get to know guys I’m dating. Do you believe in reciprocation?

Dakota: Baby, the two gifts my mediocre rap career has given me is insurmountable debt and a tongue that don’t quit.

(Rebecca grins mischievously.)

Rebecca: That’s what I like to hear.

 

[Setting: Inside the mansion. Nethanoil, Dickenson, Hamilton, Johnathan, Spooner, and Samson are sitting on couches together.]

Nethanoil: Hey do any of you guys understand Twitter? It really confuses me. Every time I post anything, the only replies I get are “Eat the rich” this and “When the revolution comes, we’ll eat you first” that. Am I just out of touch with the commoners? Or do I, as the kids say, “Be lookin’ like a snack”?

[ITM (in the moment interview): Samson]

Samson: Yeah, I’m one of those people. First off, Nethanoil sucks. Not at all a bro. Second, have you seen that ass? It’s like grandmamma herself came down from heaven to cook it up extra delicious.

(Samson mimics eating that booty like groceries.)

[Returns]

Dickenson (to Nethanoil): Oh you oaf. You absolute fiender. Dost thee quake because the puss of thine oppressed popeth deliciously and thine puss shrivels? Ist thee befumed? Fuddlecucked? Pathetic. Thou ist a ghastly wench parading as a metalium piecette. Thou puss is wretched, befouled, brokest beyond repair. Begone you arsenenth. May you never behold the gracious puss of the light’s keepenth again.

(Dickenson gets up from his seat and bops Nethanoil on the head with his palm.)

Dickenson: Dastard. Thine crops wither.

(Dickenson storms out of the room, obviously annoyed.)

Nethanoil: Did that kid just try to curse me or something?

 

[Setting: The backyard of the mansion.]

(Ranidae and Rebecca exit the door holding hands. They stop at the beginning of the grass and turn towards each other.)

Ranidae: I know that tonight can be a rather hard night on you, so I thought we could de-stress by playing one of my favorite games: leapfrog.

(Rebecca’s face lights up. She hasn’t played leapfrog in years. Plus, this is the perfect opportunity for Ranidae to get a few peaks up her dress and see her lucky frog panties.)

Rebecca: I’d like nothing more.

(Ranidae assumes the position in front of Rebecca. Rebecca likes a man who can handle being beneath her. She takes the cue and leaps over him, then assumes the position herself. They take turns bounding over each other down the lawn. After a couple switches, instead of leaping all the way over, Rebecca mounts Ranidae’s back.)

Rebecca: Yeehaw! Ridin’ cowboy!

(Ranidae gently bucks below Rebecca like a steer. She’s caught off guard and gracefully tumbles down to the ground beside him. He crawls above her to make sure she’s alright. Their eyes lock, and they briefly stare at each other knowingly. Ranidae leans down to kiss Rebecca. Lightning strikes in the distance. Shivers run down her spine. She has never felt a softer pair of lips. He holds himself above her with one arm and caresses the back of her head with the other. She gently rubs the small of his back, but takes her chance to slide her hand down and grab his ass. He startles for a second, then grins down at her before kissing her once more before getting off of her. They both sit in the grass and smile at each other, smitten.)

Rebecca: You know, I’ve never enjoyed being below a man more. I think there’s something really special about you.

Ranidae: Well, I’ve spent enough time riding horses to know how to be a smooth ride myself.

 

[Setting: Inside the kitchen. Vladimir, Mittens, Dickenson, and Samson are gathered around while Dootimer cuts some cheese.]

(Dootimer does some weird maneuver with his knife to cut holes in the cheese that makes it look like a jack o’lantern. Everyone is paying close attention to this except for Mittens, who keeps sneaking glances at Samson.)

Samson: Bro, cheese is my shit. Back in the day, I used to put a whole block of cheddar in my hoodie pocket and eat it like an apple while I would board around town. Nothing better, bro.

Dootimer: Well, this isn’t just your average cheese. The way I’m preparing it, the cheese goes from a simple yummy block to an aphrodisiac. The secret is…

[ITM: Mittens]

Mittens: Like, I’m sure that Dootimer was giving away some technique for how to make cheese so people literally orgasm when they put it in their mouth, but did you see Samson?

(Mittens looks away from the camera and fidgets with his bracelet.)

Mittens: Damn… that boy is cute. Maybe I should have paid attention so I could make him cheese like that…

[Returns]

Samson: Bro, I’m definitely going to be making some cheese like that for me and the lads. My boys be gettin’ hungry after a day in the park.

(Samson and Dootimer bro-fist.)

Mittens: Maybe… Uh… Maybe you could make me some cheese like that…

Samson: Bro, anything for you, bro.

(Samson winks at Mittens and he goes flush with color. Suddenly, Smaragdine runs through the kitchen pantsless, shouting, and obviously drunk. His ass is out and exposed to the world.)

Dickenson: Dost bother… The timpth of that mlemth.

(Dickenson starts grunting. He begins to get taller and bulkier. Hair starts growing all over his body. His clothes tear as his size expands even more. After a few moments, his transformation into a werewolf daddy is complete and he howls into the night. Mittens is shaking and visibly on the verge of tears. He runs out of the room. Samson follows after him.)

Dickenson: God damnit. What an ass. I should have known something like this would happen.

Dootimer: Whoah, you’re a werewolf? That’s hot. Also why can I understand you now?

Dickenson: Sadly, I am. And I’m only comprehensible while transformed. I’m not sure why.  I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this for a few more nights, though. But that bum ran through here with his full moon exposed, so here we are.

(Rebecca, having heard the commotion, enters the room, pursued by a group of men blindly following her like a herd of cats chasing after a female in heat.)

Rebecca (to Dickenson): Damn, you’re sexy. I just have one question for you. Does _all_ of you transform? And I mean… **_all_** of you.

(Dickenson is pleasantly surprised. Usually, romantic partners are disgusted by this form. Rebecca’s reaction has given him some hope, though. He winks at her.)

Dickenson: Let’s just say that all the important parts of me are still human.

 

[Setting: Backyard of the mansion.]

(Mittens runs out of the house, tears streaming down his face. Samson comes out right behind him. Mittens sits on some stairs leading down to the pool and far away from anyone else. He pulls his knees up towards his chest and cries into them. Samson sits down next to him and starts rubbing his back.)

Samson: Hey bro, you okay? How can I help?

(Mittens shakes his head and continues to cry.)

Samson: Bro, do you… want me to hold you?

(Mittens nods at that and scoots closer to Samson. Samson wraps his arms around Mittens and holds him tight. Mittens leans into Samson, gips his arms, and wraps his tail around him. Slowly, he begins to calm down. Once he’s mostly calm, he leans into Samson and even begins lightly purring.)

Samson: I got you, bro, you’re safe with me.

Mittens: Thanks. It means a lot that you came with me.

Samson: I always help a bro in need. You doing alright now?

Mittens: Yeah, I just have… a bad memory of a werewolf. It’s from when I was little and it’s a spotty memory… but what I do remember is being with my family, then I remember a werewolf… and then I was alone.

(Mittens starts tearing up again. Samson wipes away Mittens tears with his hoodie sleeve and holds him even tighter. He quickly calms down while in Samson’s arms.)

Mittens: I’m sure Dickenson is fine, but being around him transformed like that is a bit much for me, still.

Samson: Bro, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s okay for you to have these feelings still and be affected by them. And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that. I also want you to know that as long as we’re both in this house, I got your back and I’ll do anything to help you out.

Mittens: Maybe… maybe if you held my hand when he’s transformed like this that’d help. Plus.. Ijustthinkyou’rereallycuteandhotandIwanaholdyourhand.

(Mittens turns away and fidgets with his bracelet.)

Samson: Bro, I’ll hold your hand any time you want. And, you’re mad cute, too.

(Mittens hides his face in his knees.)

Mittens: Bro… That’s gay, bro.

Samson: Ain’t nothing wrong with that, bro.

 

[Setting: Inside a private room in the mansion. Deputy and Rebecca are sitting together.]

Rebecca: Tell me a bit about why you decided to be a pig… I mean police officer.

Deputy: Well, funny story actually. On my 18th birthday, my friends took me to a strip club. They got me a lap dance from a stripper cop and he was amazing. Blew my mind. I never thought a cop could be so hot. I knew right then that I wanted to be just like him. The only hangup I had was that I didn't know where to get a police uniform, and the only place I could think of was the actual police. So I enrolled in the police academy. When I graduated and finally had my uniform, I tried to resign and pursue my dream, but my captain laughed like it was a joke and said he'll "see me tomorrow" on his way out. I've been too scared to actually quit ever since… And now I feel like it’s too late to leave. Also, too afraid of being laughed at again.

(Deputy sighs, but looks relieved to have that off his chest. Rebecca rubs his back.)

Rebecca: I never think it’s too late to follow your heart. You should do what feels best to you.  

Deputy: I’ve actually never told anyone that story before. I just know I can trust you. I think… I think what would feel best right now would be kissing you.

(Deputy smiles. Rebecca smiles back. Deputy leans in and they share a brief kiss.)

 

[Setting: A side room inside the manion. Rebecca, Chadlium, Spooner, Vladimir, and Nicholas sit on a couple nearby couches. Malachi stands before them.]

(Malachi reaches into his jacket and produces a deck of cards. He fans the cards in an impressive way. The onlookers ooh and aah. He presents the deck to Rebecca.)

Malachi: M’lady, pick 2 cards and show them to the others. And make sure I don’t see which they are!

(Rebecca grabs her picks. They are the 9 of clubs and the 6 of hearts. Rebecca’s lucky numbers.)

Malachi: Now that you’ve all seen them, put them back into the deck. Spooner, if you would please shuffle the deck for me.

(Malachi hands Spooner the cards. Spooner shuffles like a professional, somehow impressively dexterous in his sasquatch costume, and hands the deck back.)

Malachi: Observe!

(Malachi throws the cards into the air and dives onto the ground while they’re falling, obviously trying to look up Rebecca’s dress. He somehow catches 2 cards in his mouth. He stands up triumphantly and holds them for the audience to see. They are the 6 of hearts and the 9 of clubs, exactly Rebecca’s cards.)

Malachi: Rebecca, these are your cards! And aha! 69! Hopefully what we’ll be doing later tonight.

(Malachi winks at Rebecca. She is obviously annoyed but somewhat impressed until the notices the cards scattered across the floor are all either the 9 of clubs or the 6 of hearts. She shakes her head and walks away disapprovingly. Malachi stands where he is, confused why she wasn’t enthusiastically making out with him at that moment.)

 

[Setting: Living room of the mansion. Dootimer, Dickenson, Chadlium, Nicholas, Vladimir, Johnathan, and Patrick are sitting on couches.]

Nicholas: So, Vladimir, you're a vampire. Obviously you need blood. How do you go about getting it?

Vladimir: Actually, I'm a vegan vampire.

Chadlium: That seems like an oxymoron.

Vladimir: Well, just try to think of what the most ethical source of blood would be. You can't kill anything, you can't take blood donated for hospitals, so what can you do? That's right! Period blood. It's blood that would otherwise be wasted, but us vampires can still use it. They actually have a government program, the People in the Interest of Saving blood Suckers (PISS), where people that menstruate and are over 18 can donate their used menstrual products. In return, they get free blood tests. It's actually a great setup. Vampires get PISS, less people get sucked off.

Patrick: Oh, my mom used to be a PISSer.

Smaragdine: I've been volunteering there for years. Nothing makes me happier than waking up in the morning and knowing I have a day full of PISS ahead of me.

(Rebecca walks in.)

Rebecca: Hey, boys. What're you talking about?

Vladimir: We're talking about our passion for PISS.

Rebecca: Oh I love PISS! It's such a good resource. The first time I donated, they ran their usual tests they do and found out something was wrong with my liver. One thing led to another, and basically, PISS saved my life.

Vladimir: You know, Rebecca. Maybe I’ve drunk some of your PISS donations before. 

 

[Setting: Backyard of the mansion, next to the pool. Smaragdine and Hamilton are sitting together with their feet in the water. Smaragdine has found his pants but is wearing them on his head.]

Hamilton: Dude, your so drunk.

Smaragdine: You’re*

Hamilton: What the fuck.

 

[Setting: Inside the living room of mansion. Most of the men are present and sitting on couches.]

(Chris Harrison enters the room and sets the First Impression Rose on the coffee table. The men begin to look visible nervous. Samson starts sneezing.)

Samson: Oh my god, bro, I forgot I’m allergic to roses.

Chris Harrison: It’s a fake rose.

Samson: Oh, Daddy, you remembered. Maybe I’m just allergic to anxiety.

(Rebecca enters and picks up the rose. She smiles and sweeps the room with her eyes, obviously looking for someone. She realizes he’s not there and heads outside to find him.)

 

[Setting: Outside by the pond. You can hear the song of hundreds of frogs. Ranidae has a net and is trying to catch them so he can give them kisses.]

(Rebecca approaches Ranidae. He turns towards her and smiles.)

Rebecca: Ranidae. I never knew I’d have so many feelings for a guy like you. Everything we did tonight was perfect. Will you accept this rose?

Ranidae: Yeehaw, I will.

(Rebecca pins the rose to Ranidae’s shirt, they kiss, hold hands, and head inside.)

 

[Setting: Inside the mansion. All of the men are gathered and Rebecca stands at the front of the room, facing them.]

Rebecca: I’ve had such a good time tonight. It’s been like a dream. I’m so excited for the weeks to come and to get to know my men better. I’ll see you all at the Rose Ceremony.

 

[Setting: Front room of the mansion. All the men are lined up in front of Rebecca.]

(Rebecca begins calling names. As she says a name, each man approaches her, she asks if they will accept this rose, and she takes time to pin a rose to their shirt before the man returns to the line.)

Rebecca: Nicholas… Samson… Dootimer…

[ITM: Patrick]

Patrick: If I don’t get a rose, I’m suing for lost wages.

[Returns]

Johnathan… Dickenson… Mittens… Vladimir…

[ITM: Chadlium]

Chadlium: I’m just really nervous I’m going to trip on my way to get my rose.

[Returns]

Rebecca: Dakota… Hamilton… Daniel… Nicholas…

[ITM: Deputy]

Deputy: I’m anxious that my background as a policeman is going to be too unsexy for her.

[Returns]

Rebecca: Chadlium… Stephen… Spooner…

(Chris Harrison enters.)

Chris: Rebecca, gentlemen, this is the final rose.

Rebecca: Thanks, Daddy.

(Rebecca pauses. Dramatic music plays.)

Rebecca: Deputy.

(Chris Harrison returns.)

Chris: Gentlemen, I’m sorry. If you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes.

(Nethanoil looks frustrated.)

Nethanoil: I should have known it’d be a waste of my time to socialize with the poor.

(Nethanoil leaves in a huff. Patrick gives a quiet goodbye and leaves without making a scene. Malachi throws something onto the ground and disappears in a cloud of smoke, making everyone nearby cough. Foxicus approaches Rebecca.)

Foxicus: My feelings are still obviously raw, but I know I’ll be okay. Good luck on your search.

(Rebecca and Foxicus hug. He leaves and she stands before her men.)

Rebecca: I just want to thank you all again for your time and bravery coming here. I know we’re going to have a lot of fun and a lot of love. Have a good night, everyone!

 

* * *

 

[Setting: Inside the mansion. It is night and everyone is asleep except Mittens.]

(Mittens walks through the mansion, tiptoeing to make sure he doesn’t wake up any of the other men. He gets to Samson’s room and peaks in to see if he’s up. As Mittens opens the door, it creaks which slightly rousts Samson. He sees it’s Mittens and sits up in bed tiredly. He yawns.)

Samson: Hey, bro. What’s up?

Mittens: I had a nightmare… about the werewolf. Do you… do you mind if I sleep with you tonight?

Samson: Sure thing bro, crawl on in.

(Samson pats the side of the bed. Mittens gets in, noticing a small cat stuffy that’s all black except for it’s white socks. He smiles and holds it up to Samson.)

Mittens: Oh, who is this?

Samson: This is my boy Socks. I’ve had him since I was little. I just sleep with him still because I like to be holding something while in bed. Calms me down.

Mittens: Well, tonight you can hold me and I'll hold him.

(Mittens nestles in besides Samson. Samson wraps his arm around Mittens and gives him a squeeze. He starts purring and holds Socks close to him, remembering softer times.)

Samson: Sweet dreams, bro.

Mittens: Sweet dreams. And hey, remind me tomorrow. I’ve got a story to tell you.


End file.
